


Nobody Give Alcohol To The AI

by anotherfngrl



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Drunken robots, Drunkenness, Gen, Happy Birthday Jarvis, Jarvis (Iron Man movies) Feels, Parent Tony Stark, Robot Feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-21
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 06:07:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24300070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anotherfngrl/pseuds/anotherfngrl
Summary: "Tony, OUR HOUSE IS DRUNK."Set after Avengers. The team is living at the Tower.
Relationships: Jarvis (Iron Man movies) & Avengers Team, Jarvis (Iron Man movies) & Tony Stark, Steve Rogers & Tony Stark
Comments: 16
Kudos: 89
Collections: Bite Sized Bits of Fic from 2020, I Needed a Laugh Today, interesting tony





	Nobody Give Alcohol To The AI

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Cozy_coffee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cozy_coffee/gifts).



"Tony!" a voice says urgently. Tony groans and rolls over, promptly falling off the couch in the workshop.

"Tony!" The voice repeats itself. It solidifies into Steve, as Tony looks blearily up at the super soldier.

"Tony, _our house is drunk,"_ Steve tells him urgently.

Tony sits up muzzily. He might be a little drunk, too. "Issa tower, not a house," he corrects.

"It's our home, and _it's drunk!"_ Steve repeats.

Well that's odd. "JARVIS?" he asks.

"Yessssir?" the AI responds. Tony blinks. Did his AI just _slur?_

"Steve thinks you're drunk," he tells the program, struggling to his feet. Steve offers a hand and helps him up. Tony leans against him, getting his bearings. Whatever state JARVIS is in, _he_ is definitely still wasted. How long did he sleep for? He should not still be this drunk.

"I have not imbi- imbi- invited any intoxicating liquids into my circuits, sir," JARVIS assures him.

Tony blinks. "You can say intoxicating but not imbibe?"

"It would appear so, sir." JARVIS sets off a fireworks effect on the holograms. Tony isn't sure why. "I admit the rules appear to be somewhat confusing."

"Tony, _something is wrong!"_ Steve tells him urgently. "JARVIS woke me up asking me to go get some guys from a white castle. I think maybe they're supervillains?"

"I asked the Captain if he wanted to watch Harold and Kumar Go To Whitecastle with me. He did not. Thor and Agent Barton both initially joined me for the movie but have since fallen asleep. Agent Romanov disabled the speaker in her bedroom," JARVIS explains. He sounds... sad.

"Wait, you woke the team up to invite them to watch movies?" Tony asks. That doesn't sound quite right.

"You passed out and I was alone," JARVIS sighs. He sounds like... Well, he sounds like Tony in college, when Rhodey fell asleep during a night of drinking and he had to justify the mess he'd made the next morning.

"JARVIS..." Tony asks slowly, "Are you drunk?"

"I've been trying to tell you!" Steve huffs.

"I believe myself to be intoxima- interox- I could say it earlier," JARVIS groans.

Tony is suddenly much more sober. "JARVIS, have you been hacked?" he asks, pulling up the internal code for the AI on the nearest glass wall and calling up a hologram keyboard on his workbench.

What he sees doesn't make any sense.

"No, sir, I have not. You have been engaging in coding practice. Ooh, engaging. Do you think any of the Avengers will ever get married? I would like to host a wedding" JARVIS says.

"JARVIS, we are not having a wedding." Tony suddenly feels a lot more sympathetic toward Rhodey and Pepper, who have been dealing with his drunk ass for years. This is nowhere near as endearing as he always thought he was.

"I don't love anyone but you, sir. And marrying you would be problema- problemic- tricky," the AI tells him.

"It would be incestuous." Tony says flatly. "Now, what the hell did I code that's messed you up so bad? Can we reset to a backup? When did it happen?" Tony asks.

"You sssaid fourteen is an excellent age to begin drinking," JARVIS tells him. Tony checks his watch for the date. JARVIS went online fourteen years ago, today. Tony groans.

"You should not be drinking," he says, borderline frantic. He _feels_ like the shock has sobered him up, but he's too afraid of what he's already done to reach into JARVIS' programing and make alterations.

"You started at fourteen," JARVIS sing songs back at him. "You made... Almost a virus. Said it was approprpro- appopa- _right_ that it's almost like something dangerous because alcohol is a mild poison," JARVIS tells him.

Tony's whole body goes cold. "I infected you with a _virus?"_ he asks, horrified.

"It'ssa self destroying, designed to distract my higher functions for a brief time, allowing- uh- relaxation," JARVIS tells him. "It will be finished deleting itself in approximately... 83 minutes."

Tony sits back. "I got my AI drunk. I programmed a thinking, learning, _feeling_ artificial intelligence, then I got drunk and gave it an intoxicant so it can relax."

"Tony... Is that dangerous?" Steve asks quietly. Poor guy- Tony had forgotten he was here.

Tony pulls up the code, whistling. It's a thing of beauty. An hour after deployment, pieces of it change commands, targeting the virus instead of the AI. Those pieces infect others until the virus has destroyed itself, like sobering up. And it has very specific permissions- no critical functions are impaired.

"No, we're fine," Tony announces. "He really is just tipsy. And he wanted to watch movies with his friends. That's adorable."

"I tried to rouse you first, sir, but even without the disturbance protocol, you looked too peaceful," JARVIS admits.

"Love you too, big guy. So, Harold and Kumar, huh? Steve, you want to stick around and watch a movie with us? It's JARVIS' birthday."

Steve joins Tony on the workshop couch and they watch the movie. By the time it ends, JARVIS has sobered up and is apologetic and grateful. Tony is so endeared he can't stop smiling, even as he promises Steve he'll never alter JARVIS' functions noticably without warning the team ever again. Steve actually makes him repeat the promise out loud and everything.

When it's all sorted out, a new rule is added to the list on the fridge, under "Everyone cleans up after themselves" and "No live ordinance in the common areas". It reads "Nobody give alcohol to the AIs". Tony feels it's unnecessarily pointed, but JARVIS just laughs and suggests they call Rhodey for a boys weekend in Malibu for Tony's birthday.


End file.
